Cowboy Humor

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South Texas Cowboy's picture
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Good Clean Cowboy Jokes: Please just add you jokes to this as a comment. Thanks partner.

The Texan in the Dakota Saloon:

The Texas cowboy rode into the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. He stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk."

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The Cowboy Is Back In Town

The sheriff of a small town in the old west is sitting in a rocking chair in front of the towns saloon. He watches a newcomer cowboy ride into town on his horse. The lone cowboy stops in front of the saloon for a drink and hitches his horse. He walks to the rear of his horse, lifts the horses tail up and kisses it right where to sun don't shine. As the cowboy is walking into the bar the sheriff stops him and asks "Now, why did you just kiss your horse right where the sun don't shine?" the cowboy replies "I got chapped lips" "and that helps 'em?" the sheriff asks. The cowboy replies "No. But it sure as hell keeps me from lickin' 'em."

“Sit tall in the saddle hold your head up high,
keep your eyes fixed
where the trail meets the sky
and live like you ain't afraid to die,
don't be scared just enjoy your ride”
~Chris LeDoux

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"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS"

Forex Programming

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Life Story

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

Shipwreck diving cowboy !!!

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Some of the locals shifted

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back.

Metatrader Programming

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dislexic cowboy

What does a dislexic cowboy say ?......" ha yea"

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ROUGH STOCK RIDDLE

The bulls and bronc's of American Professional Rodeo where fed a special diet that began in 1936 but ended in 1945: What was the diet: One word and no it was not grain, nor oats, nor hay and surely not gunpowder: Hint: With out this, there would be no Rodeo and we are talking about Professional Rodeo:

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Cowboy Pet

So, didja hear about the cowboy who wanted a pet, but didn't want to deal with a dog or cat while he was out on the trail drives. He went to a pet store and checked out all the pets available and decided to buy a talking centipede. The centipede came with his own box that was his house. He took the centipede back to the bunk house with him, and would talk to him every evening when he got back from his duties. On Sunday morning, the cowboy approached the centipede's box and said to the centipede through the doorway on the box, "Hey, Cent, how 'bout getting up and going to church with me?"

He heard no answer from within the box, so he spoke a little louder and said, "Hey, Cent, what do you think about getting up and going to church with me?"

Still no answer from the box, so the cowboy shouts, "Hey, Cent, how 'bout gettin' your ass up and going to worship with me this fine Sunday morning?"

Finally from within the box the centipede shouts back, "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. I'M PUTTING MY SHOES ON!" ..........Bada Bing !

Kansas Jack

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The New York Bank and the Ole Cowboy

A Cowboy from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The ole Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and safely parked it.

Two weeks later, the ole Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Emailed to me from Texas Hill Country Magazine: Hope you enjoyed it.

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FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

that almost made me shoot the milk i m drinken out my nose

Rodeo man

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My advice to a cowgirl looking for a husband..

Pick a mate like you pick a bull,
look for traits you want in your calves.
But make sure he ain't a fence crawler.

Dawn Nelson

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Husband

Dear Dawn -

I love it. How perfect.

Merry Christmas.

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Cowboy Humor - Computer Logic

Cowboys have long seem to have computer logic 150 years before semi-conductors were invented. One can find these modern terms in the notes taken during trail drives and taming the wild west:

Log On:...... building camp fire around the chuckwagon.
Log Off:.......removing the log as it was time to move down the trail.
Monitor:.......Keepin' an eye out on the cattle
Download:....Taking the bullets out of your six shooter often shoot'em at something
Up Load reload: Putting a fresh bullet make into the revolver
Mega Hertz:... That pain you feel landing on your bottom breakin' horses.
Hard Drive:.......Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt:........Getting some where on time.
Windows:......What you shut when it's below 15 below zero.
Screen:........What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte:............What them darn mosquitoes, rattlesnakes and flies do.
Chip:............What you never want to step in.
Backup........ What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code... Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bug............. Something you got when sick
Cache .........Needed to pay the bartender at the end of trail drive
Crash......... What you did wrestling steers to brand
Digital...........The art of counting on your fingers
Hacker,,,,,,,,,,What you got after smoking 40 years
Hardcopy......Wanted Poster at the Sheriff's office
Keyboard......Where the Sheriff kept the keys to the jail cell
Modem..........What ya do when the grass gets too high
Online...........Keeping the herd moving in one direction
ROM.............What you drank when there was no Whiskey
Superconductor....Them guys asking Tickets please on the Iron Horse
SCSI..............What you call your week-old underwear
Micro Chip:....What was left of the corn biscuits after breakfast
Infrared:.........How you felt when you didn't get to eat and biscuits.
Dot Matrix:.....Fancy trick shooter at that county fair.
Lap Top:........Where the little kids sat while you told them stories about the trail.
Software: .......Puttin some cotton on as wool was itchy
Mouse:...........Darn critter eating the grain
Main Frame:...that's what held up the barn roof.
Port:................Some Fancy wine.
Enter:..............C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Twitter............Them birds singing from the brush
Facebook.......Sheriff's book of wanted posters
Myspace.........three feet around you in the bar.
Computer........What you said to your cowdog Putt....Com'put-r

Yep, cowboys had computer logic long before computers and since the fire is gett'n little warm, I'm logging off.

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NICE... =D

NICE... =D

RED

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The Indian Tracker and the Texas Ranger

Indian tracker comes riding up to the Texas Ranger and cries out....."I found tracks. We turn back now, must leave." The Ranger pushed back his hat an asked "Just why do the Rangers need to turn back?" Indian replies, "Tracks are San Fransisco Giants"

Congratulations to the Giants on their victory win against the Texas rangers for the 2010 World Series. While the once mighty team had a strong winning reputation, it seem that since 1957 when they departed New York City to move the team to San Fransisco, California, the team just never mustard enough power to get into the series and win until this year.

When Baseball began is uncertain. Although, history shows the earliest known mention of baseball in the United States was a 1791 Pittsfield, Massachusetts. In 1845 the New York Knickerbockers began playing under modern rules. The club was as a social club for the upper middle classes of New York City, and was strictly amateur until it disbanded.

In 1857, sixteen New York area clubs, including the Knickerbockers, formed the National Association of Base Ball Players. While the Civil War broke out in 1860, membership grew to almost 100 clubs by 1865 and to over 400 by 1867, including clubs from as far away as California. The Civil War Soldiers from different parts of the United States played baseball together, leading to a more unified national version of the sport.

Leagues grew as the American Sport of Baseball changed. Just as the first settlers used wagons to cross the vase range of land along the Oregon trail, bringing with them eastern influences. Those trails became railroad tracks for the Iron Horse, followed by roads that then became interstate highways in the 1950's. Progress of a cultural that developed call the American West which baseball was also apart of.

Much as the earlier settles following the Oregon trail, the risk takers seeking riches of the Gold Rush, the former New York Team moved West and 50 years later show their successes. ......BASEBALL.....why it is as AMERICAN as Cowboys and Apple Pie.

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Cowboy Humor: Applying for Insurance

The insurance agent sat at the kitchen table wearing a white shirt with neck tie. The dusty cowboy offered him a cup of six gun coffee as he sat down. The agent began to ask some question as he pulled out the papers of Insurance application.

"Have you ever had an accident," question the agent to the cowboy.

"Nope, can't say I have," the Cowboy answered.

"Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously as he help fill out the policy.

"Nope," the cowboy insisted.

"Never been injured working here on the ranch" inquired the agent.

The cowboy removed his hat, scratched his head and said, "Well....a Rattler bit me once."

They agent exclaimed, "And you don't call that an accident?"

"No sir. That darn rattler done it on-purpose."

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Not Real Funny... But here goes...

A rancher has 4 stalls in his barn, the two on either end are big horse stalls. The two in the middle are goat stalls and each have "Compact Parking" nailed to them... =)

RED

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Horse Humor

A young cowgirl brought her horse in to the vet with a cucumber in his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. She ask the vet if he could tell her what's wrong with her horse? The vet replied, "I can see he's not eating properly."

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